The Ugly Cry by Misty Caddell

I ran for the door and grabbed my keys.  My husband jumped up and asked me where I was going.  I yelled, "I am leaving, I have to leave!".  I could hear my children crying and their daddy asking, "What did y’all do?" 

I got in the car as quickly as possible, I honestly didn’t know where to go.  I knew I couldn’t stay in the “quarantine house” one more moment.  I had to find somewhere to breathe, cry, scream...  Be anywhere but isolation with my family.  As I was driving to nowhere, guilt crept over me like a cloudy day blanketing the sun.  The tears began to flow… I thought to myself, How could I have just left?  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I teach them like I have done for hundreds of students?  Isn’t this what you had longed for in the past?  To home school and stay at home with your own children? Have you not begged God to not let your babies think you have loved other children more than them?  I am an educator, an assistant principal, a teacher at heart, how come I could not discipline or teach my own kids? 

My car found itself in a familiar place, the church parking lot.  I heaved myself over the steering wheel and cried out to God. "What is wrong with me?" Then again, the guilt arrived… Come on, get it together! Your family is healthy, you and your husband have jobs… what is wrong with you?  At this point, I knew I needed my people.  I needed my sisters in Christ to tell me to quit listening to the enemy.  I needed words of love and encouragement. When I cannot fight the enemy, my sisters fight for me.  I called out to several and they answered the call like sisters do.  They told me, “Quit listening to the lies. This is hard. You are not a failure, do not speak those words over yourself.  Go get Sonic. Take a mental health day.” The list goes on. That’s what sisters do.  One sister who has known me going on twenty year said, “Well I have been waiting on this phone call,” jokingly because a few days before I had told her how I was loving every minute and home school was great.  And it was. 

Sweet sisters, that's life sometimes.  You are rolling along fine one moment and the next  you find yourself in the church parking lot. How I wish I could tell you that was the last ugly cry…. But you probably guessed it - NOPE… There were more to come.

Easter was coming. It has always been precious to me - my ultimate favorite time.  Spring time reminds me of renewal, sweet smells, beauty and the reminder of eternal life. In the last few years it has meant even more to me because three years ago, I held my grandmother’s hand and prayed over her for the last time before she went home to Jesus.   

One day my sweet friend was sharing about her children’s adorable Easter baskets.  I realized I had not got my children anything, no baskets, no eggs, no dress, no candy, I mean nothing.  How I longed for our traditional hunt, an Easter dress for my daughter, and to hear my Mawmaw’s voice.  I dug out old Easter baskets, bought candy, my sweet husband ordered online Easter presents and my mom surprised me with Easter clothes for the kids. It was all fine, but why did it not feel fine?

Once again, I found myself crying the ole’ ugly cry - this time I went into my closet.  Again, the guilt of this is so silly…God forgive me I know this is not what Easter is about.  It’s about you! Oh Father, please forgive my silliness! As I was crying out, the Holy Spirit whispered, "My sweet child, I see you… I hear you… nothing is silly to me… Grief is grief… grieve sweet girl… In that moment I felt His presence wrap me and gently remind me HE sees me, hears the cries of my HEART… In quarantine, isolation, in the church parking lot, in my school office, in my closet, wherever I am.  

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you know completely, O Lord.” (Psalm 139: 1-4)

How these words have spoken to the depths of my soul. 

Blessed sisters, wherever you are in your journey, HE sees you! He sees your secret fears, the tears you shed over your babies. The breakdowns over home school. The laughter and joyful moments. He sees the introverts who love this time and the extroverts who wave like crazy at the mailman.  He sees the grief, whatever it may be, and even things we think are silly. There is NOTHING we cannot take to the cross. 

Take comfort and joy in Daddy God, who is surrounding us with HIS love and knowing our hearts.