Beltway Women

I remember where I was standing in the middle of Old Navy getting last minute items for a mission trip to Ireland when the dreadfully painful words hit my ears, “you have lost the baby.”  Suddenly I was shell shocked and it was like I was in a muted life and everything felt like it was moving faster than I was.  I couldn’t say anything or do anything. A few days before when I saw suspect evidence of a miscarriage, I began to pray, and when I did I felt the Lord say “Blood doesn’t just mean death.  I shed my blood so that you could have life.”  These words resonated with me and rested on me.  I have remembered these words ever since and when circumstances seem confusing or desperate (or anywhere in between), I get to remember that I serve a God who has put resurrection power on display through the cross and the empty tomb. When I heard those words, I thought He was assuring me that I wasn’t miscarrying and that everything would be fine (that’s how my finite...

I ran for the door and grabbed my keys.  My husband jumped up and asked me where I was going.   I yelled, "I am leaving, I have to leave!".  I could hear my children crying and their daddy asking, "What did y’all do?"  I got in the car as quickly as possible, I honestly didn’t know where to go.  I knew I couldn’t stay in the “quarantine house” one more moment.  I had to find somewhere to breathe, cry, scream...   Be anywhere but isolation with my family.  As I was driving to nowhere, guilt crept over me like a cloudy day blanketing the sun.  The tears began to flow… I thought to myself, How could I have just left?   What is wrong with me?   Why can’t I teach them like I have done for hundreds of students?   Isn’t this what you had longed for in the past?   To home school and stay at home with your own children? Have you not begged God to not let your babies think you have loved other children more than them?  ...

  Before ever having children, I had big, perfect ideas of what kind of child I would have and what kind of parent I would be. I very much remember my self-righteous attitude as I judged other parents and their misbehaved children. Oh, how I have eaten some words and repented!! When I was blessed twelve years ago with a bouncing baby boy, all of those ideas flew right out the window.   You see, that perfect little bouncing baby has not stopped bouncing. His fun, adventurous and strong-willed personality did not fit into my expectations of parenting. When he hit the toddler years his busyness increased. I was constantly on guard to protect him from his curiosity. I also was deeply embarrassed in social situations because I, in no way, had a hold on this parenting thing. I felt like a failure. This was not how it was supposed to be. Every defiant action from this little person made me defensive and frustrated. I remember crying out to the Lord and asking Him “why is th...